Runaway Bride: Running from God

The tears that came pouring from my eyes were one by one hammering away at all of me that was left.  My whole body ached with the feeling of loss and regret.  I found myself crying out to God in an act of desperation and helplessness.  It had been a while since prayer had actually meant something to me.  It was then I began telling God how trying to follow Him was hurting me more than I could presently bear.  The word HELP had become overused and annoying.  My heart was so completely torn into millions of pieces that I had willingly given away to things and people that I thought would bring me fulfillment.  I just wanted my heart to be back where it was, but I felt as if I had given it away to everything I had invested my life into.  I pictured myself holding my heart and then splitting it into portions to give to what and who I thought would satisfy me.  I had given each and every piece away until my hands were empty.  The people I’d given my heart to took it and grinded it in their teeth, threw it like a Frisbee, and then left it on the ground after they had grown tired of it.  They had treated it so poorly that what was once my heart had become a worthless piece of trash that would just be thrown away with everything else in this world. 

Upon realizing this, I grabbed my journal and out of frustration I wrote to God, “I JUST WANT MY HEART BACK!”  I then took the time to imagine myself going up to each and every person who I had irresponsibly given my heart to and collected each ad every piece until I had this mound of torn pieces sitting in front of me.  “Okay God,” I said. “Now what do I do?  I know this will hurt, but is there any way I can get that repaired and given back to me?” 

This is when God gently nudged me and turned my head back to my journal where I had out of frustration wrote something that HE had been saying to ME all along: “I JUST WANT MY HEART BACK!”  If I took my heart back for myself it would be useless because I’d only toss it back into a garbage disposal or leave it to be taken to the landfill with all my other earthly desires.  My body is full of sin and earthly desires that is attracted to destruction. What I needed to do was give my heart back to God, fully and completely.  This is the only way my heart will be in the right hands, the hands of the one who created it and understands it more than I do.  He is the only one who has the power to remake it and put it back where it truly belongs.  I can’t handle it because my heart isn’t truly mine!  It’s His and He was been pleading with me this whole time “I JUST WANT MY HEART BACK!” but I’ve causally shrugged Him off every time, ensuring Him I know what I’m doing and I can handle it.  But God has an ultimate and divine plan for my life and my heart that I will never be able to understand it because of His perfection He wants to display to me.

I had my beautiful white wedding gown on and the ceremony had begun.  He had shown me what his ultimate design for me was and what He wanted to do with my life.   I had already walked down the aisle and we were in the middle of our vows, but as He reached down to draw me close to Him, in a stubborn and child-like rebellion I yanked my hands away and fled.  I bolted and hid.  I ran as far as I could and into the deepest corner possible.  I had run away from God.  I was scared of what His plans were for me and was tired of what other people thought of me.  I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone I was embarrassed of!  Overwhelmed and ashamed I did what I thought would be best: I made my mind think of other things.  “I don’t need God to be happy.  I just need… something else.  God, I’ll come back when I’m ready.” 

And as quickly as I drew myself away from the light, the darkness just as quickly consumed me.  I didn’t have a defense against sin anymore and I was building walls to block God out from helping me.  His light was still pouring in through the windows of these walls but I didn’t even notice there were windows (or a door!).  I built myself quite a lovely whitewashed tomb(Matthew 23:7).   Everything  seemed intricate and beautiful on the outside but was full of decay once you pass the doorway.  God was knocking on the door and all I had to do was open it, but I couldn’t hear Him knocking because I had filled my life with NOISE.  I was following all the steps to look like a good Christian and when you looked at me I seemed fine, but I was following human footsteps and not God’s.  As a result of this, I was watching my life crumble.  It was becoming meaningless and was being consumed by things that had me running in circles trying to fill a hole that could only be filled by real love, God’s love… And then I shattered:

 God wants His heart back, and He’s just waiting to mend your broken heart if you are willing to give your heart to Him.  He’s there and He’s listening and waiting.  God’s love is REAL and unfailing and the best One to trust with your heart is the One who has breathed life into your body and soul and saved you from sin.  You are beautiful in his sight and your heart is His masterpiece.  He’s reaching out to you and waiting for you to say, “Yes, I’m ready.”

God, take Your heart back!  You are the only One who will truly complete my life and mend my brokenness.  I’m a mess without You.  Take all that I am now and make it Yours and I will be filled with Your great love and understand the person You’ve constructed me to be.  I want to know You more and more each day.  Speak to my heart and free my soul from this dead life I’ve had.  I want to be renewed in You so I can spend eternity with You.  YOU ARE LOVE!

Ah, it was a hard lesson to learn and I know that re-mending a heart has got to be painful business, but it is so worth it! All things that were once dead in my body can be alive again and better than they ever were before!  God is restoring me to the person He has originally created me to be.

“O Lord my God, I take refuge in you; save and deliver me from all who pursue me, or they will tear me like a lion and rip me to pieces with no one to rescue me.” Psalm 7:1-2

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